i left my heart in st. louis.
it's sunday night. technically, it's monday morning because it's 12:15 am. my phone rings waking me up and leaving me confused. you know how it is when you answer your phone after it wakes you up. it took me a second to realize that is was my brother, even though i'd just read his name on the caller ID. he had to tell me who it was. then, after talking for a few minutes, he had to tell me he was drunk. usually i can pick up on that stuff. he told me this right after he asked me when i was moving back home.my little brother has had it the worst out of all of us kids during this divorce. he was the one at home when my dad would break down and he was the one who had to pick him up and dust him off. my older brother is there for us, so he says, and he's been there for my younger brother, but whenever i go to talk to him about any of it, he gets really quiet and stubborn and if i try to convince him to talk to mom, we get in a huge fight.
i feel like i totally cheated out by moving up here. i just left everyone behind and was like, "yeah have fun picking up the pieces! i'm gonna go chill out in chicago." so i did. and i'm having a great time. but my brother still has to call me upset in the middle of the night about how he's still so angry about everything or how i need to move back home because he has a hard time dealing with all of this on his own. which is completely understandable. i don't know how he did it and also kept straight A's and also got into dental school after only 3 years as an undergrad. the kid is fucking amazing. he's easily the best person i've ever known.
so today i let my mind wander. i started thinking about moving back home. i really wouldn't leave much behind in chicago as far as a job and friends go. believe me, leaving my roommates would rip me apart, for sure, but my only other really close friend is my boss at work. and the other people i work with are great and diverse and chicago itself is a big world that i just fit into. collinsville is small and hick and close-minded. but it's where my family is.
in reality, i miss the fun things i did in st louis. i miss the rocket bar. good lord i think about that damn place and the shows there all the time. and also everyone else at those shows. and i'll miss the zoo in the summer. and i miss the boy i left behind there. i miss my best friend, jim, and i miss my brothers and i miss my dad and i kinda mis my dogs. i miss that i don't get to make my mom happy all the time when i see her. same for my dad. over the summer i was my dad's "date" to places we went. my mom has someone to be around all the time, but my dad doesn't. i want to be there for my dad so he isn't alone so much. i had such a great time in st louis last sumer, i guess i feel like it will be warm and muggy and fun when i go back. in reality, it will be cold and boring and i'll sit around wondering why the hell i left chicago.
i guess i'm just homesick. not in the summer camp kind of way where if i don't go home now i'll die, but in the grown-up kind of way, i guess. i just feel like i left my responsiblities in down south.
but it's all the more drive i have towards going to grad school. i think moving back home then is what i have to do. i really want to go back to SIUE. and i want to be a teacher so bad i can taste it. agh. i just have to be patient, and try to help my brother from up here as much as i can.
love, kate
posted by kate @ 8:23 PM
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