are you just playing dead?
i have a habit of leaving away messages (or blog titles) that are whatever lyrics i'm listening to at the moment. i can't get enough of it. every line, when used ambiguosly, is really great. no one else knows what it is. i wish i was a musician. i wish i knew what it was all about. but then again, i'm glad music is sort of an art form i'll never learn. it's too great, and i don't want to ruin its magic. like film, now i know how they did things, i can see the body double, and if you squint really hard, you'll see that it's not the soviet union, it's actually a backlot in north carolina or some shit. i'll take the magic. i'll take the ignorance. i'll take it.
love, kate
it's... a little strange.
i think being an undergrad was a waste. i spent 4 years in school, am in debt for thousands of dollars, and only now do i know what i truly want. all of those history and english classes were taken for granted, and now i wonder about the teapot dome scandal and how to class together thoughts into a constructive form to write something worth reading. i learned about life in college. i learned, from moving away and going to school at southern, how to live. how to make friends and not be a hermit attaching herself to anyone and making their opinions her own. i made friends that i still have and also live with. had it not been for going away to school, i wouldn't be here. i'd be at home, i'd be unhappy, and i'd have no friends.
so now i wonder how anyone goes away to undergrad and comes out with a job and a future. how can you be so sure about yourself that you know that this is who you are and what you are going to do? because i had no idea. i'm still not completely sure. it's so hard for me to think of being someone with a steady job and an income that (hopefully) won't leave me living from paycheck to paycheck. i guess being an undergrad wasn't a waste in the sense that it helped my social and living skills, but it was a waste in terms of me having a career.
the phrase, "you've got to grow up sometime" takes on a whole new meaning when it's actually you that has to do the growing up.
kate
one, two, three butterflies.
sitting in the airport in st louis coming back to chicago was the strangest feeling i've felt. the way the sun was orange around the end of the day was so familiar, and it was also the first time in a long time i've seen the sun that way. chicago is bleary. and cold. again.
getting on the plane to st louis was great. i actually had tears in my eyes. i got so anxious i bumped my bag into the guy in front of me, trying to hurry. he turned and smiled at me. he probably knew how excited i was.
the rest of the weekend was great. jeff turned 21. i'll save the details for my real journal.
but coming home was an entirely different story. once i checked my bags, had gotten through security, and was walking towards my gate, i had to go into the bathroom so i could just cry already and not have to hold it back while i was out in public. i just didn't want to leave. i liked driving around and knowing where i was going and not fighting traffic. and it was just home. it was just. home. period. i love chicago, but it's concrete. it's cold. my family doesn't live here. i mean, there's a reason why someone comes and visits me every other week. it's because i miss them. and they aren't here. and i can't get home. and any excuse to leave so ill and come to a big city is a good one.
so, here's to st louis. here's to the mom reading to her little girl in the airport on the way home. here's to where i live.
love, kate
hello?
why is no one updating their stupid blogs?
guys? you there?
kate?
i wish i was an artist.
i saw an amazing image this week. i was walking to the train after work. it was on monroe street, it was kind of quiet out, and it was late saturday afternoon. i could smell this really sweet smell. i look ahead of me and a girl is carrying a rose. i was amazed that it smelled so strongly that its scent was able to survive in this dirty city. and the image i had in my head was really beautiful, because it looked almost slow motion as i was watching it. just this shot over an anonymous girl's shoulder of this rose bobbing along. every once in a while it would duck below her shoulder and i couldn't see it, but i could always smell it. it was amazing how much i focused on that rose.
and the girl too. i don't really remember what she was wearing. i think her hair was short and brown, and i think she was wearing some kind of zip-up hoodie. i think. but i couldn't hear what she was saying or even saw who she was walking with.
anyway, i can't stop thinking about it. and how i wish i could capture the moment somehow. but to film it in slow motion wouldn't be that amazing. i mean, to me it would, because it would be like a recreation, but i wouldn't be able to capture the smell of rose in a city of stink. chicago smells like chocolate sometimes, but even that smell gets heavy and old.
kate
bright and shiny.
yesterday, as i was about to get on the train to go to work, i noticed that the train that was flying by me was all completely shiny and brand new looking. the 3 months of winter's grime and dust had been washed off and a new advertisement covering the entire side of it was put into place. it seriously confused the hell out of me for a couple seconds. i thought i was getting on the wrong train and the "54/cermak" sign on it didn't make any sense. funny how something so deliciously clean in this city would throw me off balance for a good 5 seconds.
in other news,
superMike is superLame.
love, kate
